Believe In Me
'I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!". I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence. I want to know if you can sit in pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.'
~The Invitation, Oriah
Why is it that some seem to think or know what is best for me? Why can't I get through to some that after being told for four years what to wear, how to behave, what to say and how to live my life, that by now it's engraved in each and every braincell or neurone and I'm so freakin fed up with being told what to do. Why can't I get through to some that I'm trying the best I possibly can and why do they need to be convinced of that, instead of trusting me to do what's in my power? Why again do I have to answer to some because no matter what I do it never seems good enough.
I do not need advice. I never asked for advice and if I would be needing it I definitely would start the sentence with: 'could I ask you something...' or 'mind giving me your opinion'. At times I just need to vent and let go of something that is bothering me. Why can't I get a chance to do so without some thinking that I expect them to 'solve' my problems. I don't need fixing, I'm perfectly capable of cleaning up my own mess, thank you. I'm busy cleaning up the mess, but some stains are burnt on and have had four extremely long years to leave a very thick intense black mark.
Those particular stains need a bit more time to be removed but if I'm not careful they could leave a lot of damage, not mentioning the damage that's already been done. So I'm trying it the patient and slow way; layer by layer. Every day a tiny bit until one day there is nothing left of that stain. I don't need you to crush something that is still so fragile it could easily break and crumble into dust in a fraction. I need you to help me protect, nurture and make it grow stronger again. Just accept me for who I am, accepting myself again is hard enough already. I don't need you to make it harder for me, that is exactly what I'm trying to get away from after four years.
Please just accept the situation and facts as they are, coz I certainly have! Which doesn't mean that I'm sitting here doing nothing about them. If you would know my intentions, know my spirit, you would be able to trust me and believe in me, trust the fact that I'm trying all the possible cleaning agents and surface treatments, one by one until all the stains have been gone and the surface is shiny again. Until then all I wish for is some mental support and encouragement. I need you to believe in me and show faith in me. Is it really that hard to just give a hug or tell me that I've done well? Put an arm around me and be silent for a few and allow me to express my pain and just listen? Isn't that what love and/or friendship is about?
[I'll be taking a break to reflect, words seem to be causing nothing but trouble these days so I'm giving up: better be quiet. I wrote this because I'm upset and hurt after having to make people aware several times today and yesterday, that I'm doing the best I can. I realised that it might be for the best not to mention things anymore to those close to me: loved ones, friends and family. From now on I will say 'I'm fine' and leave it at that... I hate to lie but I'm forced to. There's too much of a distance to bridge the gap between their reality and mine and although I realise they mean well, they don't seem to understand that, that is the last thing I need at the moment. I'm 'forced' to say less and less in order to get what I truly need from them: peace of mind, encouragement and something that is probably wishful thinking: faith in me...
After all: only Faith can move mountains, so why is it that I seem to be the only one realising this?]
See, I'm no learned man, I have no special skill in
speaking, I also have no special skill in thinking.
So once again I rely on another's words.
Vasudeva listened with great attention. Listening carefully, he let everything enter his mind, birthplace and childhood, all that learning, all that searching, all joy, all distress. This was among the ferryman's virtues one of the greatest: like only a few, he knew how to listen. Without him having spoken a word, the speaker sensed how Vasudeva let his words enter his mind, quiet, open, waiting, how he did not lose a single one, awaited not a single one with impatience, did not add his praise or rebuke, was just listening. Siddhartha felt, what a happy fortune it is, to confess to such a listener, to burry in his heart his own life, his own search, his own suffering.
But more than Vasudeva could teach him, he was taught by the river. Incessantly, he learned from it. Most of all, he learned from it to listen, to pay close attention with a quiet heart, with a waiting, opened soul, without passion, without a wish, without judgement, without an opinion.
If I could only find my river.
No one needs skills, just ears and an open mind... and the will to take time to truly understand the other person's words. We all need to be heard, we all want to be heard and we all need someone to listen to us and give us a hug... It's only human.
So is the wish to end someone's suffering, someone who is close to you, but one needs to understand that there isn't always a solution and realities are clouded because of distance between loved ones, friends and family. My reality is not theirs, they can't feel what I feel each day because they are not here in my reality, nor am I in theirs.
Therefore I don't expect them to solve something they cannot relate to due to being in this other reality, but I need them to understand my pain and be there for me in the easiest possible way. I had to hang up the phone yesterday because someone reflected her worries on me, without realising what effect it would have on me, without realising that I don't want to keep explaining that I'm aware of facts and trying the best I can...
I need support and not people 'fighting' me just because they can't come to terms with my pain: simply accept the fact that it's there. I have, so why can't they? I wouldn't come to those for support if I wasn't already aware of my pain would I? I have this constant fight for four years now: I have to regularly prove Big Brother wrong, I really don't need more of that. So acknowledgment is all I really need and a hug when the sky becomes dark again...
HUGS :)
Hey Tess, we all need someone to comfort us even though sometimes we might need time alone. As you said that is human nature especially in difficult times. I found myself in a very difficult situation recently and it has raised so many questions that I lost count. It is only when I am out there that I seem to find some kind of answers for its as if in society I am surrounded by the standard answers that all seem to accept. Maybe I just did not find the answer that suits me, maybe I never will.
I totally agree with you Tess that most of the times we share our problems or anxieties just to let go some burdens, to feel that someone is listening, to receive a hug. It is important what you say that it is fundamental that friends should trust you and your judgment. What I also think is that not everybody reacts the same way when a friend is sharing a problem. They might be expected to just listen but perhaps they believe that they are expected to say something, to share their points of view, to try to help otherwise they wouldn't be perceived as being good friends? I know what you mean. I have this friend :) with whom I talk a lot, but everytime I say something (well, almost everytime) she has to scold me as if I were a child. I have learned to accept her the way she is and though it is annoying I know she does that because she doesn't have any other way to show that she cares :)
It is essential to brainstorm when having a problem, at least that's what I think. People have different opinions and view points which might come handy :)
Jim: Thank you :-* I could use them :)
Reuben: I'm sure you will find your answers, sometimes things take time! No one will be able to find answers for you, only you could since it's your truth... Hug for you too!
Wen: you couldn't have said it any better and you have an interesting point of view there about your friend... I know you're right but at times I'm tired of the brainstorm and need to be quiet and get a hug... ;)
Yeah answers are only found by thyself.